Doing our best as parents

Early this week, a California police chief faced a parent’s worst nightmare. His own 18-year-old son appeared in a video of two young men assaulting a 71-year-old Sikh man who was simply out for a walk in his neighborhood.

The chief was horrified. My heart broke for him. Like the rest of us doing our best as parents around the world, we shudder when our best appears to be insufficient.

“Violence and hatred are not what we have taught our children; intolerance for others is not even in our vocabulary, let alone our values. … We simply don’t know why or how we got here,” Chief Darryl McAllister said.

Most parents worry about how their children are going to turn out. We do all we can to teach them right from wrong, to make good decisions in the face of difficulty. We want them to be kind, fair-minded and smart.

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. When it goes awry, we’re left wringing our hands, wondering what we did wrong.

Doing our best as parents

Proud mama in Columbia, SC, for son Nate’s 1998 graduation from Army basic training

I knew my son, Nate, would grow into his own unique personhood no matter what I did. And I gave it my best shot every step of the way hoping it would be good enough. He gave me indications here and there that it was going to be OK, but I was never sure.

Then I took a long road trip with a couple of his friends from high school. With his girlfriend at the time and another friend he often referred to as the sister he never had, we drove from Macon, Georgia, to Columbia, South Carolina, to watch him graduate from the Army’s basic training.

Right after the ceremony, we drove him to his next post, Fort Eustis in Newport News, Virginia. 

By the time we dropped Nate off the next morning and got back on the road, I was suddenly the girls’ closest confidante, and they couldn’t wait to enlighten me about my son.

For a while, I felt like I was dreaming. Was this really my son they were talking about? For that 12-hour drive home, I was in Mama Heaven.

Being a good influence

When Nate first started dating the girlfriend, who was somewhat of a spoiled little rich girl by her own admission, he encouraged her to treat her parents with more respect. She said he was so insistent about it, she was ashamed not to follow his advice. 

She said her mother now adored Nate because she could see what a positive influence he had on their daughter. And her relationship with her parents had improved tremendously. 

I was on the verge of tears as I listened. It was looking like I had made progress.

Nate wasn’t exactly a perfect child, but he almost always treated me with respect, even when he was mad at me or disagreed with a decision. I had no idea, however, that he actually had thought about it or that he paid attention to how his friends treated their parents.

His friend/sister wannabe talked about how Nate had helped her when she had boyfriend problems. He was always good about giving her a larger perspective as well as good advice on how things really were.

“And he always made me feel good about myself,” she said.

Gosh, I never realized he was so sensitive to others’ feelings. I could feel myself beaming.

Broadening horizons

They said he broadened their views of the world. He was always the center of attention and people were drawn to him in all kinds of situations. This was only partly because he was funny and entertaining. But they said the biggest reason was because he was so attentive and so nice to everybody.

He also wasn’t afraid to stand up and protect those who needed it, regardless of risk to himself.

I was deeply moved. They were describing the man I had hoped to raise and had worried about since he was born. I couldn’t have asked for a better testimony.

Although he still wasn’t completely grown up at the time, the conversation gave me great hope. I was able to relax enough to enjoy watching the rest of his journey. So far, so good. And he’s now getting close to 40!

This and other stories about raising my son are captured in “The Nathaniel Chronicles.”